woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
