I want to stick my p in your. b.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
