shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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