dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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