I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
