im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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