Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
MIDGETS
????
Randomize
