Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize