You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Only a mothe r could love this liver
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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