do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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