Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
