My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
