Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
