I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
