I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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