just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
