her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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