i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
