I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
