Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
