guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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