you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
