I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize