No stitches, just platelets and will power
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
