You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My friends, they love my intelligence
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
