I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
