he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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