did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
