Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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