I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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