Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
