im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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