Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
