i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
