You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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