I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
