Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
