I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
