All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Sober January is a disaster.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
