Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
