Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(757): View more from Virginia

So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof

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(517): View more from Michigan

My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(205): View more from Alabama

First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

He can pick locks you know

(919): View more from North Carolina

That's the reason for the naked stripper

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(716): View more from New York

I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.

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