I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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