Your face is a jimmy john
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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