I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
