i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
