he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i wish my penis had a tongue
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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