my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
