Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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