I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
