he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
