I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
