She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Randomize
