i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
