Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
