Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
