I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
