I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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