I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
nutella sex= disaster
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
