Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
