So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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