dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
